“I know this isn’t true, but…”: Why Negative Thoughts Persist, Even When we Know They’re False

A common refrain I hear from clients goes something like this: “I know I’m capable of achieving my goals, but I can’t stop doubting myself.”

On the surface, this statement sounds self-contradictory. How can one believe in their ability to accomplish something, and simultaneously see it as out of reach? Likewise, how can somebody know something is safe, and yet feel desperate to avoid it?

When our minds are divided in this way, it can be frustrating and confusing, leading to a sense that we’re letting ourselves down. However, if we can understand the roots of this dissonance, we can build self-compassion and ultimately the confidence to move through it.

Let’s start with why that inner conflict and negative thoughts exist in the first place.

Survival Instinct

Evolution is a powerful force that has served our species well. However, it’s important to remember that its purpose is to help us survive, not necessarily to make us happy.

Take anxiety, for instance. This emotion helps us avoid true dangers. However, its bias is to see threats as serious, even when they’re actually minor or don’t even exist. When a fear is triggered, our minds tend to go to all the reasons why it could come true and ignore evidence to the contrary.

Avoidance

When we are fearful of certain people, places and activities, avoiding them seems like the easiest solution. Unfortunately, by shying away from things that are truly safe, our minds internalize them as dangerous. As those fears become more and more ingrained, the idea of confronting them becomes increasingly daunting.

For example, each time a person struggling with social anxiety declines an invite to a party, their aversion to attending one grows stronger.

The Gas Pedal

If there is one thing high-achieving individuals I work with want to avoid, it’s failure. In response to this worry, they often self-criticize with the hope of increasing self-motivation.

On one hand, these internal critiques do inspire them to better themselves. But when taken to the extreme, they can cause helplessness and debilitating dissatisfaction with themselves.

When I’ve asked clients what they think would happen if they gave themselves a break, they tell me they worry that doing so would set them off track.

As painful as their anxious thoughts are, they believe they prevent them from falling behind at work, becoming overweight, or letting down their families. 

How Therapy Can Help

If you’re stuck in a cycle of stress, avoidance, and self-criticism, psychotherapy may be able to help you interrupt it.

As your therapist, I can help you find a more balanced view of your capabilities and the probability of your fears. I’ll support you to gradually confront challenges that you’ve been putting off, so that you can move forward with confidence and self-compassion.

The patterns you’re stuck in are completely human, but so is your capacity to break out of them.