Couples Therapy: Why No One Ever Wins a Marital Conflict
Many couples who come to see me want to improve their conflict resolution skills. They keep getting in the same fights over and over, stuck in a cycle of frustration and resentment. When I ask them what they want out of therapy, they often tell me they want to resolve their arguments faster.
While this goal is admirable, it puts the cart before the horse. Until both partners understand each other’s feelings about the conflict at hand, they won’t be able to reach an answer that meets both their needs. And if only one person’s expectations are met, nobody’s happy in the end.
In this post, I explain why relationship issues are more often due to a lack of mutual understanding than a lack of consensus.
The Pattern: Competition Over Teamwork
Couples are made up of individuals, each with their own needs, values, and histories. Therefore, disagreements are inevitable. However, unhealthy conflict arises when partners feel unheard, that their concerns aren’t taken seriously.
Here’s a hypothetical example: Katherine told her husband James that she wanted to visit her parents more often. James responded by listing logistical reasons why more frequent visits weren’t feasible due to his work schedule. Katherine volleyed back with accusations of selfishness.
In this argument, each spouse sees the other as intentionally obstructing their needs. Even if one of them offers a compromise, the conflict is still framed as a zero-sum game.
Breaking the Cycle: Understanding Before Solution-Finding
Katherine and James’ pattern can be summarized as follows: one partner presents a problem, the other tries to prove that the concern isn’t valid, and the first accuses the second of lack of care.
If they want to break this cycle, both partners must show curiosity rather than try to win. If James had asked Katherine why she wanted to see her mom and dad more frequently, he might have discovered her underlying concerns: she has been feeling disconnected from family and worrying about her parents’ loneliness.
Conversely, if Katherine had asked about James’ work obligations, she might have learned about the overwhelming pressure he puts on himself to provide for her and their kids.
Once empathy is fostered, Katherine and James can work collaboratively instead of in competition with each other.
Using Couples Therapy to Make This Change
If you and your spouse find yourselves in a similar pattern, couples therapy can be a great way to get unstuck. As your counsellor, I can help you practice empathic listening, healthy disagreement, and constructive communication. With these skills, you can stop your fights before they begin and start playing on the same team. If you’re curious about learning if this would be the right fit for you and your spouse, click the link below to book a free consultation.