How to Know if a Therapist is Right for you: Why you Need Both Compassion and Accountability

Many clients come to me dissatisfied with previous therapy experiences. 

In some cases, their therapists may have validated their concerns and expressed sympathy for their predicament, but never challenged them to confront fears or change habits. 

Conversely, some clients’ counsellors gave them helpful advice, but never let them discover their own insights or solutions.

In this article, I argue that therapists who fall on either end of this spectrum risk keeping their clients stuck. I explain how a balance of showing compassion and pushing one’s clients outside their comfort zone is essential to progress.

Trap #1: Validation Without Challenge

Many of my clients are highly self-critical at the start of therapy. They believe they are underperforming in their personal and professional relationships. They see themselves as lazy, reactionary, and incompetent.

To begin, I give them space to express these emotions and self-doubts. I also encourage them to acknowledge the challenges they are facing and how they may be leading them to act in ways they regret.

Before they can believe in their capacity for change, they need to find a more nuanced view of their strengths and weaknesses.

That being said, there is a danger in remaining in this reflective phase for too long. It is important to come to terms with one’s history and present circumstances. But if the client spends too many sessions exclusively focused on their struggles from childhood and the recent past, they may become doubtful about the possibility of change.

Once there is sufficient acceptance of oneself and the things outside one’s control, I start to challenge the client’s patterns of thinking and behaviour. To move forward with confidence and intention, I help them find ways to think differently about themselves, other people, and the world in general. And I collaborate with them in aligning their actions with their values.

Trap #2: Instruction Without Collaboration

Other clients have faced the opposite problem: they were “talked at” rather than understood. Their therapists immediately jumped from assessment of their problems to offering their own advice.

At face value, this may seem logical. After all, the client has come to the professional for their expertise.

However, by lecturing the client about everything that’s wrong with their thoughts, feelings, and actions, they rob them of agency and personal insight. The client may receive short-term solutions to immediate issues, but they don’t gain the skills and wisdom needed to take on future challenges independently.

When new dilemmas arise, the client may feel lost without the therapist’s guidance. My goal with these clients is to help them discover what they truly want out of life, not what I think is best for them.

Once those goals are clear, I support them in charting their own path to achieving them.  

How to Avoid These Traps

To determine whether a therapist is the right fit for you, notice what they focus on in your consultation. After you speak with them, ask yourself, “Did they express understanding of my concerns, or just tell me their solutions? Are they going to help me move forward, or keep me ruminating on the past?”

Finding someone who strikes a balance between empathy and motivation will set you up for success.

Why the Right Fit in Therapy Matters

Progress in therapy doesn’t come from simply talking about the past, nor from being told what to do. Real change happens when you feel genuinely understood and are supported in taking meaningful action.

The right therapist helps you explore your patterns with compassion, while also challenging you to move beyond what’s familiar and comfortable. If you’ve felt stuck in therapy before, whether because you weren’t pushed enough, or because you didn’t feel truly heard, it may not mean therapy isn’t for you. It may simply mean you haven’t found the right balance yet.

If you’re looking for therapy that combines empathy with real momentum, I invite you to book a free consultation with me. This is a chance to talk about what you’re struggling with, ask questions, and get a sense of whether my approach feels like the right fit. If you're ready to stop repeating the same patterns and start making meaningful changes, I’d be glad to support you.

Book your free consultation today and take the first step toward therapy that helps you feel understood, and move forward.