The Importance of Active Listening: When Answers Aren’t the Solution

Many of my male clients come to me with stress in their professional and personal lives. But sometimes the worst pain of all comes when their romantic partner is suffering, and they don’t know how to heal their wounds. When their spouse feels anxiety or sadness, they offer advice, a different perspective, a silver lining, but all these attempts are either futile or counterproductive. They may even result in conflict between them. Once a client notices this pattern, they try therapy to figure out how to offer and execute better solutions.

While this client’s desire to improve their supportive skills is admirable, it rests on an assumption: that their partner is always looking for them to solve their problems. In this blog, I explain the importance of active listening and how it’s often more useful than solution-building. And even if one’s partner is looking for an answer, conveying understanding is a prerequisite for finding it.

Jumping the gun

Imagine the following: when Graham discovers his spouse, Victoria, is struggling in her relationship with her boss, his first instinct is to relieve her stress. 

With the best of intentions, he encourages her to put a positive spin on the situation, to remember how lucky she is to have a job she’s passionate about. She interprets this as invalidation of her perspective. 

He then offers solutions, and she shuts him out. Graham takes this to mean that his suggestions were deemed ineffective. But the actual problem is that Victoria does not feel understood. 

By immediately searching for answers, he missed the opportunity to inquire about why her conflict with her boss was bothering her in the first place: the emotions, thoughts, and childhood memories it brought up for her. 

The Importance of Active Listening and the Power of Curiosity

If instead Graham starts with questions about Victoria’s underlying feelings in response to this problem, the conversation could go much differently. 

Victoria would have a chance to express and process those emotions in conversation with Graham, the person with whom she feels most safe. Graham could understand Victoria’s history on a deeper level and therefore offer relevant support (if requested).

This collaborative, compassionate interaction might make Victoria feel more open the next time she faces an emotional trigger, and Graham more confident in his ability to provide comfort.

How Therapy can Change Your Relationship’s Dynamic

If you want to improve your active listening and supportive skills for your partner, therapy can be a great tool. In our sessions, we’ll reflect on where your impulse to jump to solutions comes from, and how to manage it. 

We’ll also work on skills for more constructive, patient, and emotion-focused conversations. 

If you’d like to see if we’re a good fit for each other, please feel free to book a consultation.